poured out

I can't say no.

not in a sexual way or in a weird way but in serving.

I feel like I pour and pour and pour.
I love serving. it makes me happy when I can do something for some one else. but it's getting to a point where I feel like I'm not appreciated. I feel like I'm another picture on the wall. something ordinary and expected.

I feel like I keep pouring myself out to no end and for no cause. I'm not going to stop. but am I doing any good?

plans

my plans have been shattered.

imagine that.

it seems that I can't make it on my own.

why did I think that I could make it to begin with?

money is not showing up for college. I need a rather large sum in order to go to Milligan.


God is a jealous God. He wants to be your first love. He chastizes the church of Ephesus for not remembering to keep Him as that in Relvelation (2: 2-5).

I've forgetten to do that. Life has gotten in my way and leading worship has gotten in the way of God. it is amazing what all Satan can use. I've fallen.


I have a lot of plans for college and my future and they are kind of falling apart. It seems that one needs money to go to college and it isn't showing up for me.
I'm really having to back up and humble myself. I have to give God my plans and let him do what he wants. Regift him with my life daily. I've forgotten what that means.
basically, I've let myself fall to rock bottom. I've been crushed. so, I have to start over.

My plan is to give it all to God. this is scary. I enjoy some semblance of control.

I need help and this is the only way: to put Him first. it isn't easy.

an old Switchfoot song is a reaccuring theme and the words are becoming something of an anthem for me:

"Monday found me on my knees, again,
Breathing you in.
To blur the lines that mark where I begin
and where you end.
No use in trying to pretend.
Come take me, again.
'Cause rumor has it that I'm not who I've been.
Come define me.

and what can we do, if the rumors are true?

I turn everything over, I turn myself in,
I turn everything over, I turn myself in,
There's nothing left of me to defend,
I turn myself over, I turn myself in.

The evidence convicts the hollow man after looking inside.
To my dismay, I find that I'm just one of them.
'Cause, I'm an already but not yet resurrected fallen man.
Come break this limbo, and I know, you know just who I've been.
Come define me.

Rumor has it you love me.
Rumor has it the world spins upside down.
Rumor has it my only hope is you.
And the rumors are true.
I turn everything over."


To those who care, please pray for me to keep my resolve. Pray for me to keep Him on top. This is new to me and I am very scared.

For those who don't, this is me. this is what's going on.

If you do care, I would really appreciate knowing that you are praying for me and my future. Comment on my blog, comment of facebook, message me or call me. It would really help me right now.

frustration

nothing irks me more than not knowing what to do. not knowing a direction to strive for.

I'm at that point. tonight.

I have no advice. I have no words to hide behind. I am destroyed. my castle of wit is in ruins as my head spins around.

I stand, nay, kneel, facing the world. I have nothing left. nothing to offer. I am humbled.

I am torn.

I throw words like darts inorder to grasp at the last remnants of sanity. nothing helps. I only make things worse.

this entry has no resolve. the one will be left with a minor feel. because it's true:

I'm lost.

walls

and the walls continue.

life is full of walls. relationships are full of walls. we must keep tearing them down. we must keep destroying them.

we, as humans, make walls through many things. we make walls by sin. we make walls by ignoring people. walls can be described as awkwardness between people or they can be seen as a dislike of other people.

we need to break these walls. they cannot stand. break all holds on your walls. let people see you for all you are.

walls hurt. walls harm. God bless those with walls.

unresolved

humans.

we dance around issues. we leave things open ended and let other people do our work for us.

it's not like this makes anything any better. in fact, it only leads to long, sleepless nights of pain and agony. dissonant chords of emotion. deep screams coming from the very pits of our beings.



I love people who confront issues. the ones who are not afraid of anything. the ones who nip it in the bud. the ones who are willing to get their hands dirty inorder to get things done. the world needs more people like that.

active people who are willing to get in there and resolve issues are the ones who live happier and more fufilled lives. they do not have to worry about their past mistakes or the mistakes of others. they simply realize that mistakes happen and fix them. resolve them.

it's not that hard. it just takes a little courage. a little need. sometimes it takes a long sleepless night to see that. sometimes it just takes a realization.

nonetheless, we must end the fermata. we must resolve the chord. resolve the issue. obtain closure. you know what this means. you know what you must do. now go do it.

money

Contrary to popular belief, it is not gravity and the Sun that makes the world go around. it happens to be money.

The business mentality rules where there should be relationships and love.

Whatever happened to people? People are now statistics on a piece of paper.

What is this world coming to?

enter: the ramble

lost.

I was told today, and quite often, that I will go places. that I have what it takes. can't complain there.

but I have what it takes to go ... where? where do I want to go? what do I want to do?

I've learned one thing over the years: Christianity is not only a religion but a relationship of oxymorons.

Love: all. all people, all animals, everything, just love. love, love, love. I hope there is no need to unpack, here, the differences in the four (or so) types of love.

no one loves. well, the majority of people don't. selfish desires run this world. "Be in the world but not of it." yep, love. love 'em.

passive aggression: yes, one must do good things. (and technically, not do bad things). I don't know if you know this, yet but you cannot be perfect alone. no one can. it's rather hard. impossible, is a word one might use. should use.

so, one must aggressively press on toward the goal of being perfect and spreading the love. but if we fail (yes, fail, it happens), we have to know that it is ok because we have a God who is jealous for us. Loves us that much. He wants us that bad. he screams inside of himself for you and me the same amount.

we must learn that we are imperfect but we are made perfect in his eyes, which are the only judge that we must worry about in this life or the next.

ok. so you know that one friend who you could cross and double cross and hurt and hurt again but because you guys have known each other for so long, it would all be ok soon after because you could talk it out and it would be fine?

yeah, God's like that. except, he let you kill him and still loves you.