God

Hmm... interesting.... a blog entitled God. Maybe this one won't be depressing, right?

Good thought. I hope you're right.

These last few days have been a new adventure. I've had to trust God in everything. As my plans and dreams have come halting into the ground, I've realized just that. They're my plans. not his plans.

I've realized that God is not my first priority and that has to change. It's been happening and that has been a great thing. The only problem is that I have to trust. I'd like to pretend that that was easy.

As I am waiting for his plans to show up, it is very difficult. I'm struggling with control and trying to let go. I have no right to run the life that I was given. but I still try to. as if I know what's best for me!

So, I've been praying. so hard. harder than I have ever prayed. the hardest thing is that I think that I'm prejudiced to what God wants to say. that I will disregard what God says unless I like what I hear.

another issue is that Satan's voice is a lot like God's. Hear me out: I mean that Satan is the temptor and the entity who wants for you to fail and fall from God's favor. He mimics God's voice to do this. How can you tell God's voice from Satan's?

The only thing that I know is to run it by the Bible. make sure that it doesn't contradict it. Obviously, God wouldn't contradict his own Word, would he?

so, my life goes on. God is in charge and there is nothing that I can do but submit if I know what's good for me. So, God, take over. Give me something to believe in.

bad days

so, I've realized that I only blog in bad moods. and I've blogged a pretty good amount. but for those faithful few who read this: I'm not always in a depressed state. I do actually have a pretty sweet life. but I mess up and I have to vent. this is the vent. I must thank you for reading, if you do. for putting up with these thoughts and seeing what goes through my head. all of these things can be detrimental to you as the reader.

I do have something to share, however, I have some lyrics that I've been working on today. I would love it if you would share your thoughts on them through my handy little comment thingy. so, here goes nothing:

Lord, I'm tired of walking,
I can't stand anymore,
I'm on the ground and I'm sinking,
the sand has got me and I'm scared to the core,

I watch as the tide surrounds me,
and helplessness fills my veins,
I've tried to do life without you,
and I'm stuck here, Lord, I'm stuck here.

Father, I'd tried to do it alone,
but that only got me to the worst lows,
your love amazes me as you pick me up,
I stand in awe as you fill my cup!


It's a work in progress and I still feel like I have to fix somethings but this is how I feel, right now, and I thougth that I would share. Please comment.

the fight

problem: which is worse, having no hope or having hope but getting it snatched out of your hands?

I've had both happen to me time and time again but I cannot decide which is worse. do I hope too much? do I expect too much?

is it even a me problem?

I don't know. I just keep having plans and ideas and they keep being crushed, over and over. am I trusting in the wrong thing? am I believing in the wrong things? Do I overthink things?

would it be better to be lifeless and hopeless or to be excited and be devastated?

rock bottom

what do you do when all your avenues of help have been exhausted?

what do you do when you're on your knees, slowly dying?

Die?

no, that can't be right.

I don't understand what to do at rock bottom. I've tried turning everything over but I don't feel a response. I don't see one. I've tried prayer but I'm not getting anything.

I'm at my worst. and I have no way to turn. I'm lost.

Help. I need a hero.

time

time is a fickle creature. a beast with no handler.

time is an on going process, if you will. it never changes.

time is the only thief that justice has no hold on.

if we waste time, we can't get it back. if we spend it, the same. this often leads to regrets. regrets scare me. in a very unrealistic way.

time is held purely in and by perspective: a blessing and a curse.
it has so much power over us. to help us forget, to teach, to torture.

we are nothing in comparison to time. we cannot combat it. we just must use what we are given.
and I wonder, how does one know that they are using their time the best way?