Of being a child, coughing, and Wheel of Fortune

I've learned a lot about love over the past few months.

For one, a few minutes ago, it was my six month anniversary with a very special and patient girl.

For another, God has been teaching me so much, through that and through all parts of my life. God is so good. I mess up over and over and he still loves me.




I act like I am 5 a lot of the time. I act like a little kid when I get excited or nervous. it just happens to me. I cannot help it. the patience that I have seen through that has been astounding. It inspires me. really and truly.

I'm convinced that the more patience that someone has for certain people, the more love or feelings that they have for them. Think about it:

I don't know you and I just cut you off in traffic. You're pissed aren't you? Immediately.

It's easier to forget or look over it when a friend or family member messes with you. Yep.

Love is indirectly related to patience. Imagine that. It's like the fruits of the spirit might all be related. it's not a bunch of trees to grow in your life. it's one tree to grow with all of them.

Think about how they're all related. Go!

Bike riding and God

So, today, I let everyone else go out to the beach and I hung around the condo. Read some, played some guitar, watched the first Spiderman. the usual.



I've let myself be still. Quieted my soul. Listened to God.



It's peaceful here. St. Simons. Lots of people but they leave you alone for the most part. They want you to leave them alone, as well.



Anyway, I rode out to meet up with everyone after a few hours. I rode out on the bike and talked to God. it was great. Just talking to God is peaceful. Wind through my hair, talking to God. that's a feeling.



I need Him. I've realized that. I need Him every moment. If I don't, some pretty dumb crap comes out of my mouth. I need Him to be my filter and my wisdom.

My Utmost

After I admitted that I needed to get some Bible in each morning steadily, God put The Utmost for His Highest into my hands. Either he was answering my needs or someone else's prayers.

Nonetheless, it has been great.
May 22: An Explanation for our Difficulties
May 23: Our Careful Unbelief
May 24: The delight of despair

Yeah, it's been good.

May 22 talks about how God doesn't ask you about how you feel about going through anything in His plans and how the outcome is you either becoming more evil or more saintly. Cha,mbers talks about how we should pray "Your will be done" as in Matt. 26:42 and be comforted. Comforted that He is using his wisdom to work out everything better than we can. God has a plan.

In May 23, Chambers writes about abandon in Christ. How we have to trust him in our comings and goings. We only seem to worry about what he has control of. There is a cure for that: giving everything to Him. All parts of you. Basically, worry is unbelief. Be careful.

May 24: We should delight in the fact and the knowledge that we cannot do anything by ourselves. The perfect peace and strength that we get from Christ when he has his hand on us is absolutely magnificent. Search for it. Chambers writes that "...Once his touch comes, nothing at all can throw you into fear again." Yeah, search for that. You both need and want His touch.
Also that, We have to come to a point where we realize how much we can't do (which is everything) so that God can do everything. It is the beauty of our relationships with Christ.

still, really?!

one of those nights begin.
again.

ha. I've realized that my mouth gets me in a lot of trouble. I can never seem to find to point to stop talking. I can't. I have to.

I've found that I only end up hurting myself when I can't shut my mouth. Again, James talks about this in the Bible. Watch your tongue.

I can't find the line.

This will be my prayer. This is my prayer. For guidance of my tongue.

what is wrong with me?

why do I say stupid crap?!

why would it be that my mouth would work faster than my mind? what a curse!

When God Calls You On

while yes, the title of this blog does sound like a lame song that would come on Christian radio and make your parents cry, that is not what this is about.

the feeling of God calling you on is a beautiful thing. you feel content and at peace with moving on in your life. I feel centered.

God is calling me from a big part of my life. I have outlived my usefulness there and I am moving on in the near future. it really feels great. No amount of money could change my mind.

It's a matter of appreciatedness.

Serving is a lot like humility. Actually, they go hand in hand. However, this is not the point. Bear with me.

Humility, in the body of Christ, is a beautiful thing. Everyone is supposed to be humble but as we are called to encourage, it all balances out. I am humble but you encourage my God-given strengths to keep me going and confident in myself. Servitude in the same setting is much the same.

I serve. I do not expect thanks or any sort of appreciation. But as the same, encouragement and gratitude go along way. Christians are told to do these things, as well. I serve and you serve and we end up serving eachother. when this God-given plan for servitude. it all works out and we are all blessed.

However, the church has pulled away from the Acts church. Let's face it, the apostles would know about church because Jesus, himself, taught them, correct? yes, of course. Then logically, we should rely and study the book of Acts to learn of their ways.

The modern church disgusts me. There are many times that I want to throw up as I think about the church. We have fallen so far from the original plan. it's not that hard to follow you just need plenty of love and self denial. the church has become a selfish entity without any love. it is all politics and money. WHAT HAVE WE BECOME?! we have become part of the world. that's what. and it's sad.

so, what will you do to fix your part? advice: learn to love unconditionally. that is the greatest commandment. know that and know this: God. Will. Provide. stop putting God's name on man's work. Let him provide. Love and trust. and have faith and hope that you can do both. that is how we turn our train wreck around. that is how we move back closer to God. Love.

Mornings

I hate mornings.

Okay, don't get me wrong, I love cereal and poptarts, eggs and sunrises. But I hate mornings.

Mornings are when I am grumpy for the most part. I am slow to wake. One of the things that God has blessed me with for the past 6 or 7 years is my drive to Conyers, where I used to go to school. I had a 25 minute drive and I have spent those listening to music, talking to God, and thinking. On some occasions, I have slept, as well. If those days were before or after I began driving the route, I'll never tell.

It has been beautiful. But still, mornings bug me.

One of the hardest things for me is to spend time with God in His Word. To just sit and listen to Him. They say that the morning is a great time to do it but I don't know. I hate mornings. I am beginning to see how that is why I should be in the Bible in the mornings.

I need more of God in my life. I need so much more. So, how to begin? How does one set up a game plan for this quest for God? I don't know. Do I simply think of a logical time to do it? Yes. I am thinking that that is the point. You just have to man (or woman) up and do it. There is no other way.

Suggestions, besides this?

Prayer and Crying Out

Today, I found myself in a position not to different from many others that I end up in.

The difference was the response.

To begin this, I would like to point out that I have found that the best way for me to release my emotions is through writing. I write these words on this blog to no one but myself. You, the reader, find yourself reading a journal of sorts.

Nonetheless, I have learned something through my differing responses. I have found that I am truly happy when I am crying out to God. When I am begging on someone else's behalf.





I just got home from watching the new Robin Hood. It wasn't the best movie that I've ever seen but it didn't seem like the 2 and 1/2 hours that it was. It was quite enjoyable. but the scene that caught my attention was towards the end when Robin is finally on the same battle field as the traitor, Godfrey and Marian just happens to be that girl who sneaks away to the field to fight for the revenge of her father. While this does sound like a scene from Lord of the Rings, it still caught my attention. Marian is fighting Godfrey when she is destroyed and a bearded Robin/Russell Crowe gallops in and fights Godfrey through all odds of a rising tide and boats around him to save his woman.



Long story short, Robin finds himself holding Marian, kissing her while his manly forehead bleeds manly blood etc etc etc.



Basically, it's that scene where all the guys watching get that urge to rise up and kill people to protect their women. Fact is, that urge is deep within all guys. We were made that way. To want to kill dragons and fight evil and save pretty girls. It's in us. We can't help it.



I've found myself there, recently. I've wanted to save her. I've wanted to take away her pain, my dragon. I've had to come to terms that life isn't always like that. Her pain is not a dragon, nor it is even under my control at all.


It's been a huge growing place for me. I've gotten frustrated and God has reminded me of the only thing that I am capable of doing: crying out to God. God is her Savior, I am not. I am merely her companion. Her friend. Now, I can get on my knees, I can scream at the top of my lungs, I can plead with Him. that I can do. I can talk to God and I can give it to Him. That's what I can do. and that is what I began doing today.

Life isn't black and white and good and evil. It's blurry and hard to see the lines. You just have to run to God. Run and do not stop, run and you will not grow weary. I have to give it to Him. Cry out to Him.

"The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore, I hope in Him!"
The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, To the soul who seeks Him.
It is good that one should hope and wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."
Lamentations 3: 24-26

Dependence and a Knack for Losing

I write words. I speak words. I've learned so much about words. Words have inconceivable powers. In the past 24 hours or so, I have made people cry for different reasons, I have made people smile, I have made people laugh and I have made people question themselves. I have strengthened their resolves, I have crushed their hopes and I have destroyed their dreams. I have changed moods and I have made moods. Words have power.

James talks about holding your tongue and keeping a close watch upon it. This is hard. Sarcasm and cynicism is usually what comes out of my mouth. I do not do a very good job of watching my tongue.

I forget how easy it is for me to say something without thinking.

These last few days have been crazy.

I've stopped going to high school every day. I have nothing to do. Crazy things are happening in mine and my friend's lives. The people close to me are in pain of the worst kind. And what can I do?

So, I sit here in life meditating and thinking about it all and I hurt. So much is going on and I'm trying to stop it all. I hate change. I hate it. It scares me. The unknown scares me.

The beauty of my pain is this: God is using it to draw my closer. I believe that God has big, big plans for me and he is preparing me for them. Now, that scares me. I do not know what that means and that is frightening. He is the maker of the universe and so, what might that meant that he wants me to do? The amount of things that I can think of that are possibilities that I do not want to do is innumerable.

but my opinion doesn't matter, does it?

What I do know is that God is in control. He is holding me. He has held me in the good times and through the bad. He is capable of holding me. I am learning to give him all of my life.

These last few days have taught me something if anything. It's basically something that a wise teacher of mine once said. God can take care of my loved ones so much better than I can. I have to stop trying and give him the situation and problems so that his more capable hands are more able to. His hands are the ones that hold the world and I'm too busy trying to keep my world from falling apart to give him my world. To give him my strength and let him bolster it. Let him become my resolve. He is what matters.

I am learning to give him my life and the life of my friends and loved ones. I cannot save them from pain. I cannot. But my God can and He is mighty to save. He is a refuge and tower for the defenseless. He will hold them even when they do not know that he is. That is so much more than I can offer and my worry and stress only holds him back. I have to step back and let him have my life and control over my worries and pain. I have to plead with him through prayer to bring healing and strength for them. That is all I can do.

Worry is nothing. God is everything.

God in my living, There in my breathing,

God in my waking, God in my sleeping,

God in my resting, There in my working,

God in my thinking, God in my speaking,

Be my everything.

God in my hoping, There in my weeping,

God in my hurting, God in my healing,

Be my everything.

Christ in me, Christ in me,

Christ in me, the hope of glory!

You are everything!

Fallen Man

"Don't give up, it's not the end,
There's hope for every fallen man,
To pick themselves up, when they think they can't,
'cause with every passing second somes a second chance."
- Relient K

It's come to my attention in the very recent past that I am dependent. I wish I could finish that statement with "of God." but I can't. It's not God. I've found other gods in my life. Habit, relationships, my expectations.

I hate running. I've found why. While it is something to do with the fact that I am:
A. a wimp
and B. lazy,
it also has to do with the fact that running is soothing for me. it is quite strenuous. it gives me something to focus on, other than my problems. ergo, when I run, I am reminded of my usual running: the part where I am running from a problem.

nonetheless, I am not dependent on God. God is my refuge. and basically, only that. I run to him when I need him but I do not seek him when I don't. That's not a relationship at all. I don't talk to God unless I need something. This has to change. my priorities must change for longer than a few days. But how? How, God? How, do I go about this?

Father, I'm lost. This happens over and over, again and still, you love me. God, I don't seek you for love and support. I find it elsewhere. Why do I do this when your love and grace is sufficient? Father, I love you. And I know that you love me. but why do I search? why do I roam from you? Lord, I don't seek bad things, I seek secondary things. I seek acceptance and love. Teach me to get this from you. Help me to listen. Father, hear my cry. I need you. My life depends on it. My life depends on you and I cannot keep you as my top priority for more than a few days. Lead me to the cross, God. Carry me when I can no longer walk. Bring me to you.

last days

I've found that all good things must come to an end.

I love my school. Yes, I can rant about it and I can rave about its many imperfections but deep down, I love the place. I've grown up there. I've matured there. It is my home. Deep friendships have been made there. I've grown so much and learned so much. More of it was relational and spiritual than educational. but that's just the way things are.

Yes, I have had a great year. I've gained so many new friends and gotten close to people that I never expected to. I've seen God do great things through me and others around me. I would not change it for the world! but I look back and I ask myself something that burdens my heart:

Not that I expect that I have been a terrible role model but out of curiousity, who have I helped or reached during my time at Young Americans? who have I helped? who have I been Jesus for? So, if I have affected you, positively or negatively in my time at YACS, let me know. comment please.