Fallen Man

"Don't give up, it's not the end,
There's hope for every fallen man,
To pick themselves up, when they think they can't,
'cause with every passing second somes a second chance."
- Relient K

It's come to my attention in the very recent past that I am dependent. I wish I could finish that statement with "of God." but I can't. It's not God. I've found other gods in my life. Habit, relationships, my expectations.

I hate running. I've found why. While it is something to do with the fact that I am:
A. a wimp
and B. lazy,
it also has to do with the fact that running is soothing for me. it is quite strenuous. it gives me something to focus on, other than my problems. ergo, when I run, I am reminded of my usual running: the part where I am running from a problem.

nonetheless, I am not dependent on God. God is my refuge. and basically, only that. I run to him when I need him but I do not seek him when I don't. That's not a relationship at all. I don't talk to God unless I need something. This has to change. my priorities must change for longer than a few days. But how? How, God? How, do I go about this?

Father, I'm lost. This happens over and over, again and still, you love me. God, I don't seek you for love and support. I find it elsewhere. Why do I do this when your love and grace is sufficient? Father, I love you. And I know that you love me. but why do I search? why do I roam from you? Lord, I don't seek bad things, I seek secondary things. I seek acceptance and love. Teach me to get this from you. Help me to listen. Father, hear my cry. I need you. My life depends on it. My life depends on you and I cannot keep you as my top priority for more than a few days. Lead me to the cross, God. Carry me when I can no longer walk. Bring me to you.