Dependence and a Knack for Losing

I write words. I speak words. I've learned so much about words. Words have inconceivable powers. In the past 24 hours or so, I have made people cry for different reasons, I have made people smile, I have made people laugh and I have made people question themselves. I have strengthened their resolves, I have crushed their hopes and I have destroyed their dreams. I have changed moods and I have made moods. Words have power.

James talks about holding your tongue and keeping a close watch upon it. This is hard. Sarcasm and cynicism is usually what comes out of my mouth. I do not do a very good job of watching my tongue.

I forget how easy it is for me to say something without thinking.

These last few days have been crazy.

I've stopped going to high school every day. I have nothing to do. Crazy things are happening in mine and my friend's lives. The people close to me are in pain of the worst kind. And what can I do?

So, I sit here in life meditating and thinking about it all and I hurt. So much is going on and I'm trying to stop it all. I hate change. I hate it. It scares me. The unknown scares me.

The beauty of my pain is this: God is using it to draw my closer. I believe that God has big, big plans for me and he is preparing me for them. Now, that scares me. I do not know what that means and that is frightening. He is the maker of the universe and so, what might that meant that he wants me to do? The amount of things that I can think of that are possibilities that I do not want to do is innumerable.

but my opinion doesn't matter, does it?

What I do know is that God is in control. He is holding me. He has held me in the good times and through the bad. He is capable of holding me. I am learning to give him all of my life.

These last few days have taught me something if anything. It's basically something that a wise teacher of mine once said. God can take care of my loved ones so much better than I can. I have to stop trying and give him the situation and problems so that his more capable hands are more able to. His hands are the ones that hold the world and I'm too busy trying to keep my world from falling apart to give him my world. To give him my strength and let him bolster it. Let him become my resolve. He is what matters.

I am learning to give him my life and the life of my friends and loved ones. I cannot save them from pain. I cannot. But my God can and He is mighty to save. He is a refuge and tower for the defenseless. He will hold them even when they do not know that he is. That is so much more than I can offer and my worry and stress only holds him back. I have to step back and let him have my life and control over my worries and pain. I have to plead with him through prayer to bring healing and strength for them. That is all I can do.

Worry is nothing. God is everything.

God in my living, There in my breathing,

God in my waking, God in my sleeping,

God in my resting, There in my working,

God in my thinking, God in my speaking,

Be my everything.

God in my hoping, There in my weeping,

God in my hurting, God in my healing,

Be my everything.

Christ in me, Christ in me,

Christ in me, the hope of glory!

You are everything!