Things to Know

1. Your thoughts do become your actions

2. All sin comes into the light

3. There are consequences to all things

Sleep It Off

I can sleep off most bad feelings. This one I can't. I need to hear her voice saying that it's okay. I need to hear forgiveness so I can forgive myself.

I'm at a standstill and I'm scared. My body aches from the second bike ride that I rode to escape, yesterday.

I've drawn a line in the sand but I'm scared the life is going to wash it away with the tide. How do I make myself remember to protect my line?

I need my Jesus but I'm too ashamed to run to Him. Help me.

Give us clean hands,

Give us pure hearts,

Let us not lift our souls to another.

Careful Words: Vague

Well.

Well, Well.

It's 12:30ish. I just finished one of my favorite movies. Better Off Dead. Great movie.

I can't sleep. I am haunted by myself. The one person that I cannot truly run away from.


Grace. It's a beautiful thing that I cannot seem to grasp.

I can forgive but I can't forgive myself. Especially when I've hurt people.

Dictionary.com uses a very interesting defintion for "grace." One of the definitions for the noun form is this: "the influence and spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strengthen them."

That is powerful. Regenerate and strengthen them.


I've messed up. I've let myself fall and I've let myself down. I've had to regroup and draw a line in the sand. This line hurts. This line takes everything in me to make.

I did it. I drew the line. I have made my boundary. and it hurts.

Patience is something that doesn't come easily to me. Especially years of patience.

This is my cry for prayer. this is my cry to God. For the use of my patience and the rememberance of this night and the determination.

Help me, Father.

A Call To Arms

My friends, I know you care. if you didn't you probably wouldn't be reading this.

This is a call to arms. This is my petition for prayer. This is my helpless state. I need God and I can't reach Him alone. I'm at a low.

Pray for me and my future. For my wisdom and guidance in tight spots. For me to hear God's voice at all times. And listen to it.

This is my call to arms.

Comment if you can help.

The Beauty in Simplicity

I hope that this post holds up to it's title.

I spent the last few days hiking. I spent them well. I have refound my love for backpacking and being in God's creation with Him. It's a vital part of who we are as humans. I find Him in nature by myself.

I want to spend days in the woods to reconnect with God. Periodically get away on my own retreats. This is my plan. It's beautiful out there with just a pack and some woods and water and mountains. Hiking.

Go.

Prostitutes

I am a prostitute.



That got your attention, didn't it? Well, breathe easier, it does go deeper than that, and for those of you know know me, I can assure you that I am not a real prostitute.



However, there is a very small obscure book in the Old Testament that calls us, or Israel at the time, prostitutes. For those of you who always have to tone things down so you don't feel convicted, you can use the word 'unfaithful.'



Hosea is one of my favorite books in the Bible. It and Psalms kinda stay up there in the top few. You see, what happens in Hosea is this: Israel was being themselves and falling away from God over and over and over, as they had for many years. Well, God chooses this man, Hosea, to be His prophet. Let's just say that he probably would have ran if he knew what was up.



God tells Hosea to marry a prostitute.



So, he does. and he has kids with this woman. And she has this problem and she keeps running away from poor Hosea. Yeah, that's kinda frustrating.



So, by now, I am sure that at least some of my faithful readers want to know why this is one of my favorite books, am I correct here? You're saying, "So, he likes people's misery?" Nay, I say. That's not it at all.



The point of Hosea is this: God is showing is perfect love to Israel. He is using Hosea and his interesting family to prove a point. Yeah, I would have very mixed feelings about being used in this way. But seriously, God is showing His jealousy of Israel and His love for them that is so deep, through the story of Hosea.



Poor Hosea must keep following and searching after his wife, Gomer, to keep bringing her back from her old livestyle. She is scared of his powerful love.



You see, we're like that. We're prostitutes of sorts. We're Gomer, we fall back into our old sinful livestyles because we're scared. We're scared of love. and we're scared of so much.



I love being scared of love. Because that's a lot of love if you're scared of it. that's like love enough to die on a cross.



but that's not the only reason that I love this book. I love it because I feel like different roles at different times. Yes, you can learn to run to the love. Pure love. but we can also learn from Hosea. Simple Hosea.



Hosea loved. He loved a lot. I've never known a prostitute, let alone married one. the forgiveness and the mercy and the patience and the perseversance that Hosea has is astounding. It's the love of Jesus. It's selfless to the core. We can learn from that, as well.



Learn to love and to accept love. That's what we're called to do and that's why I love this book so much. It shows true love. God's love. So, yes, we're prostitutes and we mess up. but the goal is to be the loving husband who seeks and searches for the broken and discusting and welcomes them back with loving arms. Jesus Christ is called the groom of the church. See a connection? So love. love like Jesus. Love like Hosea. Love and forgive.

lyrical melodies

Some people can thrown down some words and put some guitar or keys to it and get billions of dolalrs for it. Some people can write nonsense on a pience of paper and get someone else to make it sound good at put them in the video. I can't seem to do either.

my words are jumbled. I can write out thoughts here but I can't add music and I can't write profound words into music. I can't seem to find my sound.

I can't find my lick or my little trick. I'll play for hours but I'm purely overwhelmed by the possibilities and I can't get anywhere. There are probably thousands of words in the English language and I can't put a few together and add some music. why is this?

can I not hear my heart? can I not hear the sounds around me? why is this?

words

hmm... I haven't blogged in a while. I usually have something to blog about or some thought that has revolutionized my life. I really don't. it's the same old stuff. but I come to this place to let some steam out. to breathe. to stop my stomach from turning and to just sit for a while.

my mind races. always. you would think that it would be faster than my mouth. nope. never.

I wish.

I just say stuff. stupid stuff. I have to apologize for my mouth so many times. I guess that's where this comes in. I can sit back and think about my words. Don't get me wrong, I hardly ever erase things that I have written. but still...

I'm scared. my life has no direction outside of earning money for me new computer. College hasn't been decided. I have no idea what I will be doing next year. it's scary. and I'm tired of being happy about not knowing.

I guess what I'm realizing is that I am a whole lot off track with God. I have gotten lax over the summer and have stopped thinking I need him. I have stopped coming to him with... well, anything. I'm a failure at letting go. I'm a failure of a person. I am nothing. and God is everything. Why can't I remember that? why can't I remember Him?

I can't remember the person who gave me life. what have I becoming? what monster am I?

I have one person who has died for me in my life. only one. and I can't remember that. not only die but suffer beyond my wildest nightmares. and I can't remember it. at all.


so, this is me crying out in my own way for forgiveness. asking for a mind to remember. asking for peace. asking for God back.

of knights, dragons and a man's heart.

the fantasy genre has been swept away by King Arthur and Robin Hood. Volumes and volumes of variations of the same stories. there have been tributaries of this genre with simple stories of a man's search and fight for his woman, and through it, his soul. sometimes he finds the former first and sometimes he finds the latter.

however, literature is not the point here. Follow me: literature and the art of writing is an expression of the soul. an expression of the mind and it's qualities. just as music and painting are. they are direct lines of the most passionate parts of us. that is just the way of things. it must be expressed and released somehow.

deep in our beings, we have this need. this desire.

girls: have one to be rescued.

guys: need to rescue.

Note the opposites there. Note the needs for fufillment that kinda gravitate to each other.


Literature and many other things show that there has always been this need in males for the rescuing of fair maidens in towers from dragons. Dragons have never existed to our knowledge but there have been other evils to rescue a woman from. Take for instance the whole battle of Troy.

We, as modern humans must realize that there is still a need to rescue fair maidens from their dragons. it is just that their dragons are not visible. Their dragons are just as real. Fight back, men. fill that void. protect them.

wet naked time: aka taking a shower

camp. probably a better title for this blog but that one gets your attention, doesn't it?

wet naked time is the new way of saying taking a shower. that is basically what taking a shower is, is it not? spending time naked and getting wet. yep, it sure is. that's right. admit it. be honest.

but I did kinda learn more than that at camp. I learned a lot about middle schoolers that I didn't know. nor wanted to know. but it was a great experience to be a camp counselor and playing music.

music is my soul. well, music is the pathway to God from my soul in a lot of ways. it's how I worship Him the deepest. I had a chance to lead worship for the camp a few times and play with some people that I do not usually get to play with and it was a great experience. I have grown mentally, musically and with God.

It was good to get away. Good to chill with some people that I don't really know all that well. I really didn't have a relationship with any middle schoolers. I do, now. They're pretty cool.

that was camp. chilling with some guys and God. we all need that, sometimes. God needs to get us away from the world to talk to us. To speak life into us. to be revived. that's how it works.

more to come later. it's wet naked time.