words

hmm... I haven't blogged in a while. I usually have something to blog about or some thought that has revolutionized my life. I really don't. it's the same old stuff. but I come to this place to let some steam out. to breathe. to stop my stomach from turning and to just sit for a while.

my mind races. always. you would think that it would be faster than my mouth. nope. never.

I wish.

I just say stuff. stupid stuff. I have to apologize for my mouth so many times. I guess that's where this comes in. I can sit back and think about my words. Don't get me wrong, I hardly ever erase things that I have written. but still...

I'm scared. my life has no direction outside of earning money for me new computer. College hasn't been decided. I have no idea what I will be doing next year. it's scary. and I'm tired of being happy about not knowing.

I guess what I'm realizing is that I am a whole lot off track with God. I have gotten lax over the summer and have stopped thinking I need him. I have stopped coming to him with... well, anything. I'm a failure at letting go. I'm a failure of a person. I am nothing. and God is everything. Why can't I remember that? why can't I remember Him?

I can't remember the person who gave me life. what have I becoming? what monster am I?

I have one person who has died for me in my life. only one. and I can't remember that. not only die but suffer beyond my wildest nightmares. and I can't remember it. at all.


so, this is me crying out in my own way for forgiveness. asking for a mind to remember. asking for peace. asking for God back.