New Blog

New Blog:
zachzook.wordpress.com

Of failures, victories, self respect and honesty

Hello, my blog readers. the 5 of you that I have.

Hello on this dark and rainy night.

Outside looks like how I feel.

Isn't that a great way to begin?

Well, my life is nuts. All my friends are leaving me to go off to college. I am staying home and commuting to ACC. Depressing.

I go to orientation tomorrow. I'm nervous.

I'm going through all the post breakup emotions and hell from my first girlfriend. Yup. Only one. 7 months. and a week. exactly. But who was counting?

Anyway, I'm creepy. but It's hard. all of it. and it's even harder when you're not relying on God.

Yup. That sucks. Dealing with God. Coming back to God. Humbling myself before God. Wow.

So, here I am. I've sent a letter to my ex girlfriend. I was honest. I was true. I was blunt.

and it sucks. all of it. the mistakes that I made. the way it all had to go down. the hard choices that I've had to make. and she's a great girl. she's gorgeous. and how I messed up everything. Wow. So, here I sit. in awe of the mess that I've made. the mess that has my humanity. the mess that my humanity has made. Oh, God, I need you now. Why do I fall away? why do I fail?

I saw Scott Pilgrim tonight. It sucks. I'll tell you that right now. but I loved it. I'll watch it again and again. but that's because I'm a nerd. and I love being a nerd. and I loved the movie. it was really good and made me feel pretty good. but now it's all crashing down. I need my father. I need him.

melodies and lyrics

I have lyrics but I have no song. It's like... the lyrics came so easy. but the melody is eluding me like a gazelle hiding in a volcano.

does that analogy actually make sense? the answer is no. however, some of you laughed. However, the real problem is that I have lyrics but I can't get myself a melody. and I love these lyrics. it's like I'm trying too hard. so, if you can help me in any way, please do contact me. Comment, if you will....

I met you outside at the park.

You asked me to meet you because you needed closure.

Reluctantly, I walked up close,

Rain pouring hard as my heart skipped into disaster.

My mind was screaming profanities,

As the silence was taken away by the thunder.

Your eyes are screaming for peace,

For an answer to all your questions.

I'm sorry that this is the best that I can do at the moment.

Tears running down my cheeks as my wounds are being reopened.

I'm soaking wet from the rain. Or at least that's what I'd tell you.

I keep wondering why I came. Did I come for you?

Look, I didn't ask for you to leave.

And I didn't ask for me to realize all these things.

If I could change all the facts,

You know me well enough to know that I'd never look back.

So, as we stand between the strikes,

Of lightening lighting up the sky,

I stand with helpless hands,

Screaming back against nature's noises.

debilitation

my strength fails as I doubt the words.

God given words that have caused me to shudder and stutter.

I run within myself to find what I need to continue, to surrender.

To forget to worry.

to be above worry.

but I can't.

Lord, help me. Help me to remember your words. Help me to hold on.

Last Stands and Escape Routes

This is a little ditty that I have come up with the past few weeks. I hope you like it. :)

Please comment.

and yes, that is an elf hat in July.

blogity

is 'blogity' a word? nope. not at all. is it fun to say? yes.

I don't really know what to blog about. I'm content. it might have to do with the food that I just ate or the trip that I'm about to make in just a few hours. or it could be the Mac that I'm on. who knows?

I just know that God works everything out for the good of those who love Him.

I know that I am loving Sky Sailing's (Owl City's other project) debut album.

I know that I am content.

I know that I have problems.

I know that my God can handle them.

I know that my webcam is a whole lot of fun.

I know that I am a night owl.

I know I like Prince of Persia games and the movie.

I know that I like long walks on the beach.

I know that I have being covered in sand.

I know that I enjoy cheese. Pepperjack is great.

I know that I'm tired.

I know that I have a heart for worship leading.

I know that I love music in general.

I know that I am nothing and that I know nothing in comparison to the world.

I know that my God rules over all.

I know that my God saves.

I know that I know nothing about any variation of love.

I know that love is what matters.

I know greed kills people.

I know that I've written 'I know' a kabillion times.

I know that it's time to go to bed. but this is some of what I know.

Freedom

I can't seem to be free. Fully free.

7 months ties you down. Hard.

Freedom is both blessing and curse, here. My thoughts are misguided and scrambled on the issue. What I would do to breathe. What I am doing to breathe.

My God is working all for the good. I stand amazed in His constant presence. But this is hard. So hard.

Everything connects back. Everything is a reminder.

I need space to think. But my God is getting and will get me through. Thank you, Father.

Things to Know

1. Your thoughts do become your actions

2. All sin comes into the light

3. There are consequences to all things

Sleep It Off

I can sleep off most bad feelings. This one I can't. I need to hear her voice saying that it's okay. I need to hear forgiveness so I can forgive myself.

I'm at a standstill and I'm scared. My body aches from the second bike ride that I rode to escape, yesterday.

I've drawn a line in the sand but I'm scared the life is going to wash it away with the tide. How do I make myself remember to protect my line?

I need my Jesus but I'm too ashamed to run to Him. Help me.

Give us clean hands,

Give us pure hearts,

Let us not lift our souls to another.

Careful Words: Vague

Well.

Well, Well.

It's 12:30ish. I just finished one of my favorite movies. Better Off Dead. Great movie.

I can't sleep. I am haunted by myself. The one person that I cannot truly run away from.


Grace. It's a beautiful thing that I cannot seem to grasp.

I can forgive but I can't forgive myself. Especially when I've hurt people.

Dictionary.com uses a very interesting defintion for "grace." One of the definitions for the noun form is this: "the influence and spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strengthen them."

That is powerful. Regenerate and strengthen them.


I've messed up. I've let myself fall and I've let myself down. I've had to regroup and draw a line in the sand. This line hurts. This line takes everything in me to make.

I did it. I drew the line. I have made my boundary. and it hurts.

Patience is something that doesn't come easily to me. Especially years of patience.

This is my cry for prayer. this is my cry to God. For the use of my patience and the rememberance of this night and the determination.

Help me, Father.

A Call To Arms

My friends, I know you care. if you didn't you probably wouldn't be reading this.

This is a call to arms. This is my petition for prayer. This is my helpless state. I need God and I can't reach Him alone. I'm at a low.

Pray for me and my future. For my wisdom and guidance in tight spots. For me to hear God's voice at all times. And listen to it.

This is my call to arms.

Comment if you can help.

The Beauty in Simplicity

I hope that this post holds up to it's title.

I spent the last few days hiking. I spent them well. I have refound my love for backpacking and being in God's creation with Him. It's a vital part of who we are as humans. I find Him in nature by myself.

I want to spend days in the woods to reconnect with God. Periodically get away on my own retreats. This is my plan. It's beautiful out there with just a pack and some woods and water and mountains. Hiking.

Go.

Prostitutes

I am a prostitute.



That got your attention, didn't it? Well, breathe easier, it does go deeper than that, and for those of you know know me, I can assure you that I am not a real prostitute.



However, there is a very small obscure book in the Old Testament that calls us, or Israel at the time, prostitutes. For those of you who always have to tone things down so you don't feel convicted, you can use the word 'unfaithful.'



Hosea is one of my favorite books in the Bible. It and Psalms kinda stay up there in the top few. You see, what happens in Hosea is this: Israel was being themselves and falling away from God over and over and over, as they had for many years. Well, God chooses this man, Hosea, to be His prophet. Let's just say that he probably would have ran if he knew what was up.



God tells Hosea to marry a prostitute.



So, he does. and he has kids with this woman. And she has this problem and she keeps running away from poor Hosea. Yeah, that's kinda frustrating.



So, by now, I am sure that at least some of my faithful readers want to know why this is one of my favorite books, am I correct here? You're saying, "So, he likes people's misery?" Nay, I say. That's not it at all.



The point of Hosea is this: God is showing is perfect love to Israel. He is using Hosea and his interesting family to prove a point. Yeah, I would have very mixed feelings about being used in this way. But seriously, God is showing His jealousy of Israel and His love for them that is so deep, through the story of Hosea.



Poor Hosea must keep following and searching after his wife, Gomer, to keep bringing her back from her old livestyle. She is scared of his powerful love.



You see, we're like that. We're prostitutes of sorts. We're Gomer, we fall back into our old sinful livestyles because we're scared. We're scared of love. and we're scared of so much.



I love being scared of love. Because that's a lot of love if you're scared of it. that's like love enough to die on a cross.



but that's not the only reason that I love this book. I love it because I feel like different roles at different times. Yes, you can learn to run to the love. Pure love. but we can also learn from Hosea. Simple Hosea.



Hosea loved. He loved a lot. I've never known a prostitute, let alone married one. the forgiveness and the mercy and the patience and the perseversance that Hosea has is astounding. It's the love of Jesus. It's selfless to the core. We can learn from that, as well.



Learn to love and to accept love. That's what we're called to do and that's why I love this book so much. It shows true love. God's love. So, yes, we're prostitutes and we mess up. but the goal is to be the loving husband who seeks and searches for the broken and discusting and welcomes them back with loving arms. Jesus Christ is called the groom of the church. See a connection? So love. love like Jesus. Love like Hosea. Love and forgive.

lyrical melodies

Some people can thrown down some words and put some guitar or keys to it and get billions of dolalrs for it. Some people can write nonsense on a pience of paper and get someone else to make it sound good at put them in the video. I can't seem to do either.

my words are jumbled. I can write out thoughts here but I can't add music and I can't write profound words into music. I can't seem to find my sound.

I can't find my lick or my little trick. I'll play for hours but I'm purely overwhelmed by the possibilities and I can't get anywhere. There are probably thousands of words in the English language and I can't put a few together and add some music. why is this?

can I not hear my heart? can I not hear the sounds around me? why is this?

words

hmm... I haven't blogged in a while. I usually have something to blog about or some thought that has revolutionized my life. I really don't. it's the same old stuff. but I come to this place to let some steam out. to breathe. to stop my stomach from turning and to just sit for a while.

my mind races. always. you would think that it would be faster than my mouth. nope. never.

I wish.

I just say stuff. stupid stuff. I have to apologize for my mouth so many times. I guess that's where this comes in. I can sit back and think about my words. Don't get me wrong, I hardly ever erase things that I have written. but still...

I'm scared. my life has no direction outside of earning money for me new computer. College hasn't been decided. I have no idea what I will be doing next year. it's scary. and I'm tired of being happy about not knowing.

I guess what I'm realizing is that I am a whole lot off track with God. I have gotten lax over the summer and have stopped thinking I need him. I have stopped coming to him with... well, anything. I'm a failure at letting go. I'm a failure of a person. I am nothing. and God is everything. Why can't I remember that? why can't I remember Him?

I can't remember the person who gave me life. what have I becoming? what monster am I?

I have one person who has died for me in my life. only one. and I can't remember that. not only die but suffer beyond my wildest nightmares. and I can't remember it. at all.


so, this is me crying out in my own way for forgiveness. asking for a mind to remember. asking for peace. asking for God back.

of knights, dragons and a man's heart.

the fantasy genre has been swept away by King Arthur and Robin Hood. Volumes and volumes of variations of the same stories. there have been tributaries of this genre with simple stories of a man's search and fight for his woman, and through it, his soul. sometimes he finds the former first and sometimes he finds the latter.

however, literature is not the point here. Follow me: literature and the art of writing is an expression of the soul. an expression of the mind and it's qualities. just as music and painting are. they are direct lines of the most passionate parts of us. that is just the way of things. it must be expressed and released somehow.

deep in our beings, we have this need. this desire.

girls: have one to be rescued.

guys: need to rescue.

Note the opposites there. Note the needs for fufillment that kinda gravitate to each other.


Literature and many other things show that there has always been this need in males for the rescuing of fair maidens in towers from dragons. Dragons have never existed to our knowledge but there have been other evils to rescue a woman from. Take for instance the whole battle of Troy.

We, as modern humans must realize that there is still a need to rescue fair maidens from their dragons. it is just that their dragons are not visible. Their dragons are just as real. Fight back, men. fill that void. protect them.

wet naked time: aka taking a shower

camp. probably a better title for this blog but that one gets your attention, doesn't it?

wet naked time is the new way of saying taking a shower. that is basically what taking a shower is, is it not? spending time naked and getting wet. yep, it sure is. that's right. admit it. be honest.

but I did kinda learn more than that at camp. I learned a lot about middle schoolers that I didn't know. nor wanted to know. but it was a great experience to be a camp counselor and playing music.

music is my soul. well, music is the pathway to God from my soul in a lot of ways. it's how I worship Him the deepest. I had a chance to lead worship for the camp a few times and play with some people that I do not usually get to play with and it was a great experience. I have grown mentally, musically and with God.

It was good to get away. Good to chill with some people that I don't really know all that well. I really didn't have a relationship with any middle schoolers. I do, now. They're pretty cool.

that was camp. chilling with some guys and God. we all need that, sometimes. God needs to get us away from the world to talk to us. To speak life into us. to be revived. that's how it works.

more to come later. it's wet naked time.

Of being a child, coughing, and Wheel of Fortune

I've learned a lot about love over the past few months.

For one, a few minutes ago, it was my six month anniversary with a very special and patient girl.

For another, God has been teaching me so much, through that and through all parts of my life. God is so good. I mess up over and over and he still loves me.




I act like I am 5 a lot of the time. I act like a little kid when I get excited or nervous. it just happens to me. I cannot help it. the patience that I have seen through that has been astounding. It inspires me. really and truly.

I'm convinced that the more patience that someone has for certain people, the more love or feelings that they have for them. Think about it:

I don't know you and I just cut you off in traffic. You're pissed aren't you? Immediately.

It's easier to forget or look over it when a friend or family member messes with you. Yep.

Love is indirectly related to patience. Imagine that. It's like the fruits of the spirit might all be related. it's not a bunch of trees to grow in your life. it's one tree to grow with all of them.

Think about how they're all related. Go!

Bike riding and God

So, today, I let everyone else go out to the beach and I hung around the condo. Read some, played some guitar, watched the first Spiderman. the usual.



I've let myself be still. Quieted my soul. Listened to God.



It's peaceful here. St. Simons. Lots of people but they leave you alone for the most part. They want you to leave them alone, as well.



Anyway, I rode out to meet up with everyone after a few hours. I rode out on the bike and talked to God. it was great. Just talking to God is peaceful. Wind through my hair, talking to God. that's a feeling.



I need Him. I've realized that. I need Him every moment. If I don't, some pretty dumb crap comes out of my mouth. I need Him to be my filter and my wisdom.

My Utmost

After I admitted that I needed to get some Bible in each morning steadily, God put The Utmost for His Highest into my hands. Either he was answering my needs or someone else's prayers.

Nonetheless, it has been great.
May 22: An Explanation for our Difficulties
May 23: Our Careful Unbelief
May 24: The delight of despair

Yeah, it's been good.

May 22 talks about how God doesn't ask you about how you feel about going through anything in His plans and how the outcome is you either becoming more evil or more saintly. Cha,mbers talks about how we should pray "Your will be done" as in Matt. 26:42 and be comforted. Comforted that He is using his wisdom to work out everything better than we can. God has a plan.

In May 23, Chambers writes about abandon in Christ. How we have to trust him in our comings and goings. We only seem to worry about what he has control of. There is a cure for that: giving everything to Him. All parts of you. Basically, worry is unbelief. Be careful.

May 24: We should delight in the fact and the knowledge that we cannot do anything by ourselves. The perfect peace and strength that we get from Christ when he has his hand on us is absolutely magnificent. Search for it. Chambers writes that "...Once his touch comes, nothing at all can throw you into fear again." Yeah, search for that. You both need and want His touch.
Also that, We have to come to a point where we realize how much we can't do (which is everything) so that God can do everything. It is the beauty of our relationships with Christ.

still, really?!

one of those nights begin.
again.

ha. I've realized that my mouth gets me in a lot of trouble. I can never seem to find to point to stop talking. I can't. I have to.

I've found that I only end up hurting myself when I can't shut my mouth. Again, James talks about this in the Bible. Watch your tongue.

I can't find the line.

This will be my prayer. This is my prayer. For guidance of my tongue.

what is wrong with me?

why do I say stupid crap?!

why would it be that my mouth would work faster than my mind? what a curse!

When God Calls You On

while yes, the title of this blog does sound like a lame song that would come on Christian radio and make your parents cry, that is not what this is about.

the feeling of God calling you on is a beautiful thing. you feel content and at peace with moving on in your life. I feel centered.

God is calling me from a big part of my life. I have outlived my usefulness there and I am moving on in the near future. it really feels great. No amount of money could change my mind.

It's a matter of appreciatedness.

Serving is a lot like humility. Actually, they go hand in hand. However, this is not the point. Bear with me.

Humility, in the body of Christ, is a beautiful thing. Everyone is supposed to be humble but as we are called to encourage, it all balances out. I am humble but you encourage my God-given strengths to keep me going and confident in myself. Servitude in the same setting is much the same.

I serve. I do not expect thanks or any sort of appreciation. But as the same, encouragement and gratitude go along way. Christians are told to do these things, as well. I serve and you serve and we end up serving eachother. when this God-given plan for servitude. it all works out and we are all blessed.

However, the church has pulled away from the Acts church. Let's face it, the apostles would know about church because Jesus, himself, taught them, correct? yes, of course. Then logically, we should rely and study the book of Acts to learn of their ways.

The modern church disgusts me. There are many times that I want to throw up as I think about the church. We have fallen so far from the original plan. it's not that hard to follow you just need plenty of love and self denial. the church has become a selfish entity without any love. it is all politics and money. WHAT HAVE WE BECOME?! we have become part of the world. that's what. and it's sad.

so, what will you do to fix your part? advice: learn to love unconditionally. that is the greatest commandment. know that and know this: God. Will. Provide. stop putting God's name on man's work. Let him provide. Love and trust. and have faith and hope that you can do both. that is how we turn our train wreck around. that is how we move back closer to God. Love.

Mornings

I hate mornings.

Okay, don't get me wrong, I love cereal and poptarts, eggs and sunrises. But I hate mornings.

Mornings are when I am grumpy for the most part. I am slow to wake. One of the things that God has blessed me with for the past 6 or 7 years is my drive to Conyers, where I used to go to school. I had a 25 minute drive and I have spent those listening to music, talking to God, and thinking. On some occasions, I have slept, as well. If those days were before or after I began driving the route, I'll never tell.

It has been beautiful. But still, mornings bug me.

One of the hardest things for me is to spend time with God in His Word. To just sit and listen to Him. They say that the morning is a great time to do it but I don't know. I hate mornings. I am beginning to see how that is why I should be in the Bible in the mornings.

I need more of God in my life. I need so much more. So, how to begin? How does one set up a game plan for this quest for God? I don't know. Do I simply think of a logical time to do it? Yes. I am thinking that that is the point. You just have to man (or woman) up and do it. There is no other way.

Suggestions, besides this?

Prayer and Crying Out

Today, I found myself in a position not to different from many others that I end up in.

The difference was the response.

To begin this, I would like to point out that I have found that the best way for me to release my emotions is through writing. I write these words on this blog to no one but myself. You, the reader, find yourself reading a journal of sorts.

Nonetheless, I have learned something through my differing responses. I have found that I am truly happy when I am crying out to God. When I am begging on someone else's behalf.





I just got home from watching the new Robin Hood. It wasn't the best movie that I've ever seen but it didn't seem like the 2 and 1/2 hours that it was. It was quite enjoyable. but the scene that caught my attention was towards the end when Robin is finally on the same battle field as the traitor, Godfrey and Marian just happens to be that girl who sneaks away to the field to fight for the revenge of her father. While this does sound like a scene from Lord of the Rings, it still caught my attention. Marian is fighting Godfrey when she is destroyed and a bearded Robin/Russell Crowe gallops in and fights Godfrey through all odds of a rising tide and boats around him to save his woman.



Long story short, Robin finds himself holding Marian, kissing her while his manly forehead bleeds manly blood etc etc etc.



Basically, it's that scene where all the guys watching get that urge to rise up and kill people to protect their women. Fact is, that urge is deep within all guys. We were made that way. To want to kill dragons and fight evil and save pretty girls. It's in us. We can't help it.



I've found myself there, recently. I've wanted to save her. I've wanted to take away her pain, my dragon. I've had to come to terms that life isn't always like that. Her pain is not a dragon, nor it is even under my control at all.


It's been a huge growing place for me. I've gotten frustrated and God has reminded me of the only thing that I am capable of doing: crying out to God. God is her Savior, I am not. I am merely her companion. Her friend. Now, I can get on my knees, I can scream at the top of my lungs, I can plead with Him. that I can do. I can talk to God and I can give it to Him. That's what I can do. and that is what I began doing today.

Life isn't black and white and good and evil. It's blurry and hard to see the lines. You just have to run to God. Run and do not stop, run and you will not grow weary. I have to give it to Him. Cry out to Him.

"The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore, I hope in Him!"
The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, To the soul who seeks Him.
It is good that one should hope and wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."
Lamentations 3: 24-26

Dependence and a Knack for Losing

I write words. I speak words. I've learned so much about words. Words have inconceivable powers. In the past 24 hours or so, I have made people cry for different reasons, I have made people smile, I have made people laugh and I have made people question themselves. I have strengthened their resolves, I have crushed their hopes and I have destroyed their dreams. I have changed moods and I have made moods. Words have power.

James talks about holding your tongue and keeping a close watch upon it. This is hard. Sarcasm and cynicism is usually what comes out of my mouth. I do not do a very good job of watching my tongue.

I forget how easy it is for me to say something without thinking.

These last few days have been crazy.

I've stopped going to high school every day. I have nothing to do. Crazy things are happening in mine and my friend's lives. The people close to me are in pain of the worst kind. And what can I do?

So, I sit here in life meditating and thinking about it all and I hurt. So much is going on and I'm trying to stop it all. I hate change. I hate it. It scares me. The unknown scares me.

The beauty of my pain is this: God is using it to draw my closer. I believe that God has big, big plans for me and he is preparing me for them. Now, that scares me. I do not know what that means and that is frightening. He is the maker of the universe and so, what might that meant that he wants me to do? The amount of things that I can think of that are possibilities that I do not want to do is innumerable.

but my opinion doesn't matter, does it?

What I do know is that God is in control. He is holding me. He has held me in the good times and through the bad. He is capable of holding me. I am learning to give him all of my life.

These last few days have taught me something if anything. It's basically something that a wise teacher of mine once said. God can take care of my loved ones so much better than I can. I have to stop trying and give him the situation and problems so that his more capable hands are more able to. His hands are the ones that hold the world and I'm too busy trying to keep my world from falling apart to give him my world. To give him my strength and let him bolster it. Let him become my resolve. He is what matters.

I am learning to give him my life and the life of my friends and loved ones. I cannot save them from pain. I cannot. But my God can and He is mighty to save. He is a refuge and tower for the defenseless. He will hold them even when they do not know that he is. That is so much more than I can offer and my worry and stress only holds him back. I have to step back and let him have my life and control over my worries and pain. I have to plead with him through prayer to bring healing and strength for them. That is all I can do.

Worry is nothing. God is everything.

God in my living, There in my breathing,

God in my waking, God in my sleeping,

God in my resting, There in my working,

God in my thinking, God in my speaking,

Be my everything.

God in my hoping, There in my weeping,

God in my hurting, God in my healing,

Be my everything.

Christ in me, Christ in me,

Christ in me, the hope of glory!

You are everything!

Fallen Man

"Don't give up, it's not the end,
There's hope for every fallen man,
To pick themselves up, when they think they can't,
'cause with every passing second somes a second chance."
- Relient K

It's come to my attention in the very recent past that I am dependent. I wish I could finish that statement with "of God." but I can't. It's not God. I've found other gods in my life. Habit, relationships, my expectations.

I hate running. I've found why. While it is something to do with the fact that I am:
A. a wimp
and B. lazy,
it also has to do with the fact that running is soothing for me. it is quite strenuous. it gives me something to focus on, other than my problems. ergo, when I run, I am reminded of my usual running: the part where I am running from a problem.

nonetheless, I am not dependent on God. God is my refuge. and basically, only that. I run to him when I need him but I do not seek him when I don't. That's not a relationship at all. I don't talk to God unless I need something. This has to change. my priorities must change for longer than a few days. But how? How, God? How, do I go about this?

Father, I'm lost. This happens over and over, again and still, you love me. God, I don't seek you for love and support. I find it elsewhere. Why do I do this when your love and grace is sufficient? Father, I love you. And I know that you love me. but why do I search? why do I roam from you? Lord, I don't seek bad things, I seek secondary things. I seek acceptance and love. Teach me to get this from you. Help me to listen. Father, hear my cry. I need you. My life depends on it. My life depends on you and I cannot keep you as my top priority for more than a few days. Lead me to the cross, God. Carry me when I can no longer walk. Bring me to you.

last days

I've found that all good things must come to an end.

I love my school. Yes, I can rant about it and I can rave about its many imperfections but deep down, I love the place. I've grown up there. I've matured there. It is my home. Deep friendships have been made there. I've grown so much and learned so much. More of it was relational and spiritual than educational. but that's just the way things are.

Yes, I have had a great year. I've gained so many new friends and gotten close to people that I never expected to. I've seen God do great things through me and others around me. I would not change it for the world! but I look back and I ask myself something that burdens my heart:

Not that I expect that I have been a terrible role model but out of curiousity, who have I helped or reached during my time at Young Americans? who have I helped? who have I been Jesus for? So, if I have affected you, positively or negatively in my time at YACS, let me know. comment please.

God

Hmm... interesting.... a blog entitled God. Maybe this one won't be depressing, right?

Good thought. I hope you're right.

These last few days have been a new adventure. I've had to trust God in everything. As my plans and dreams have come halting into the ground, I've realized just that. They're my plans. not his plans.

I've realized that God is not my first priority and that has to change. It's been happening and that has been a great thing. The only problem is that I have to trust. I'd like to pretend that that was easy.

As I am waiting for his plans to show up, it is very difficult. I'm struggling with control and trying to let go. I have no right to run the life that I was given. but I still try to. as if I know what's best for me!

So, I've been praying. so hard. harder than I have ever prayed. the hardest thing is that I think that I'm prejudiced to what God wants to say. that I will disregard what God says unless I like what I hear.

another issue is that Satan's voice is a lot like God's. Hear me out: I mean that Satan is the temptor and the entity who wants for you to fail and fall from God's favor. He mimics God's voice to do this. How can you tell God's voice from Satan's?

The only thing that I know is to run it by the Bible. make sure that it doesn't contradict it. Obviously, God wouldn't contradict his own Word, would he?

so, my life goes on. God is in charge and there is nothing that I can do but submit if I know what's good for me. So, God, take over. Give me something to believe in.

bad days

so, I've realized that I only blog in bad moods. and I've blogged a pretty good amount. but for those faithful few who read this: I'm not always in a depressed state. I do actually have a pretty sweet life. but I mess up and I have to vent. this is the vent. I must thank you for reading, if you do. for putting up with these thoughts and seeing what goes through my head. all of these things can be detrimental to you as the reader.

I do have something to share, however, I have some lyrics that I've been working on today. I would love it if you would share your thoughts on them through my handy little comment thingy. so, here goes nothing:

Lord, I'm tired of walking,
I can't stand anymore,
I'm on the ground and I'm sinking,
the sand has got me and I'm scared to the core,

I watch as the tide surrounds me,
and helplessness fills my veins,
I've tried to do life without you,
and I'm stuck here, Lord, I'm stuck here.

Father, I'd tried to do it alone,
but that only got me to the worst lows,
your love amazes me as you pick me up,
I stand in awe as you fill my cup!


It's a work in progress and I still feel like I have to fix somethings but this is how I feel, right now, and I thougth that I would share. Please comment.

the fight

problem: which is worse, having no hope or having hope but getting it snatched out of your hands?

I've had both happen to me time and time again but I cannot decide which is worse. do I hope too much? do I expect too much?

is it even a me problem?

I don't know. I just keep having plans and ideas and they keep being crushed, over and over. am I trusting in the wrong thing? am I believing in the wrong things? Do I overthink things?

would it be better to be lifeless and hopeless or to be excited and be devastated?

rock bottom

what do you do when all your avenues of help have been exhausted?

what do you do when you're on your knees, slowly dying?

Die?

no, that can't be right.

I don't understand what to do at rock bottom. I've tried turning everything over but I don't feel a response. I don't see one. I've tried prayer but I'm not getting anything.

I'm at my worst. and I have no way to turn. I'm lost.

Help. I need a hero.

time

time is a fickle creature. a beast with no handler.

time is an on going process, if you will. it never changes.

time is the only thief that justice has no hold on.

if we waste time, we can't get it back. if we spend it, the same. this often leads to regrets. regrets scare me. in a very unrealistic way.

time is held purely in and by perspective: a blessing and a curse.
it has so much power over us. to help us forget, to teach, to torture.

we are nothing in comparison to time. we cannot combat it. we just must use what we are given.
and I wonder, how does one know that they are using their time the best way?

poured out

I can't say no.

not in a sexual way or in a weird way but in serving.

I feel like I pour and pour and pour.
I love serving. it makes me happy when I can do something for some one else. but it's getting to a point where I feel like I'm not appreciated. I feel like I'm another picture on the wall. something ordinary and expected.

I feel like I keep pouring myself out to no end and for no cause. I'm not going to stop. but am I doing any good?

plans

my plans have been shattered.

imagine that.

it seems that I can't make it on my own.

why did I think that I could make it to begin with?

money is not showing up for college. I need a rather large sum in order to go to Milligan.


God is a jealous God. He wants to be your first love. He chastizes the church of Ephesus for not remembering to keep Him as that in Relvelation (2: 2-5).

I've forgetten to do that. Life has gotten in my way and leading worship has gotten in the way of God. it is amazing what all Satan can use. I've fallen.


I have a lot of plans for college and my future and they are kind of falling apart. It seems that one needs money to go to college and it isn't showing up for me.
I'm really having to back up and humble myself. I have to give God my plans and let him do what he wants. Regift him with my life daily. I've forgotten what that means.
basically, I've let myself fall to rock bottom. I've been crushed. so, I have to start over.

My plan is to give it all to God. this is scary. I enjoy some semblance of control.

I need help and this is the only way: to put Him first. it isn't easy.

an old Switchfoot song is a reaccuring theme and the words are becoming something of an anthem for me:

"Monday found me on my knees, again,
Breathing you in.
To blur the lines that mark where I begin
and where you end.
No use in trying to pretend.
Come take me, again.
'Cause rumor has it that I'm not who I've been.
Come define me.

and what can we do, if the rumors are true?

I turn everything over, I turn myself in,
I turn everything over, I turn myself in,
There's nothing left of me to defend,
I turn myself over, I turn myself in.

The evidence convicts the hollow man after looking inside.
To my dismay, I find that I'm just one of them.
'Cause, I'm an already but not yet resurrected fallen man.
Come break this limbo, and I know, you know just who I've been.
Come define me.

Rumor has it you love me.
Rumor has it the world spins upside down.
Rumor has it my only hope is you.
And the rumors are true.
I turn everything over."


To those who care, please pray for me to keep my resolve. Pray for me to keep Him on top. This is new to me and I am very scared.

For those who don't, this is me. this is what's going on.

If you do care, I would really appreciate knowing that you are praying for me and my future. Comment on my blog, comment of facebook, message me or call me. It would really help me right now.

frustration

nothing irks me more than not knowing what to do. not knowing a direction to strive for.

I'm at that point. tonight.

I have no advice. I have no words to hide behind. I am destroyed. my castle of wit is in ruins as my head spins around.

I stand, nay, kneel, facing the world. I have nothing left. nothing to offer. I am humbled.

I am torn.

I throw words like darts inorder to grasp at the last remnants of sanity. nothing helps. I only make things worse.

this entry has no resolve. the one will be left with a minor feel. because it's true:

I'm lost.

walls

and the walls continue.

life is full of walls. relationships are full of walls. we must keep tearing them down. we must keep destroying them.

we, as humans, make walls through many things. we make walls by sin. we make walls by ignoring people. walls can be described as awkwardness between people or they can be seen as a dislike of other people.

we need to break these walls. they cannot stand. break all holds on your walls. let people see you for all you are.

walls hurt. walls harm. God bless those with walls.

unresolved

humans.

we dance around issues. we leave things open ended and let other people do our work for us.

it's not like this makes anything any better. in fact, it only leads to long, sleepless nights of pain and agony. dissonant chords of emotion. deep screams coming from the very pits of our beings.



I love people who confront issues. the ones who are not afraid of anything. the ones who nip it in the bud. the ones who are willing to get their hands dirty inorder to get things done. the world needs more people like that.

active people who are willing to get in there and resolve issues are the ones who live happier and more fufilled lives. they do not have to worry about their past mistakes or the mistakes of others. they simply realize that mistakes happen and fix them. resolve them.

it's not that hard. it just takes a little courage. a little need. sometimes it takes a long sleepless night to see that. sometimes it just takes a realization.

nonetheless, we must end the fermata. we must resolve the chord. resolve the issue. obtain closure. you know what this means. you know what you must do. now go do it.

money

Contrary to popular belief, it is not gravity and the Sun that makes the world go around. it happens to be money.

The business mentality rules where there should be relationships and love.

Whatever happened to people? People are now statistics on a piece of paper.

What is this world coming to?

enter: the ramble

lost.

I was told today, and quite often, that I will go places. that I have what it takes. can't complain there.

but I have what it takes to go ... where? where do I want to go? what do I want to do?

I've learned one thing over the years: Christianity is not only a religion but a relationship of oxymorons.

Love: all. all people, all animals, everything, just love. love, love, love. I hope there is no need to unpack, here, the differences in the four (or so) types of love.

no one loves. well, the majority of people don't. selfish desires run this world. "Be in the world but not of it." yep, love. love 'em.

passive aggression: yes, one must do good things. (and technically, not do bad things). I don't know if you know this, yet but you cannot be perfect alone. no one can. it's rather hard. impossible, is a word one might use. should use.

so, one must aggressively press on toward the goal of being perfect and spreading the love. but if we fail (yes, fail, it happens), we have to know that it is ok because we have a God who is jealous for us. Loves us that much. He wants us that bad. he screams inside of himself for you and me the same amount.

we must learn that we are imperfect but we are made perfect in his eyes, which are the only judge that we must worry about in this life or the next.

ok. so you know that one friend who you could cross and double cross and hurt and hurt again but because you guys have known each other for so long, it would all be ok soon after because you could talk it out and it would be fine?

yeah, God's like that. except, he let you kill him and still loves you.

expression.

sometimes the need to express yourself is the biggest need. the problem is finding a way to do it.

do we find ourselves too caught up in trying to make our expressions perfect or do we just fall short of expressing ourselves?

do we over think things by trying to be the best?

where is the balance?